Crazy? Yes, possibly. A Moron? Let's hope not!

Today marks the second day of Teresa's Freakout during Operation Los Angeles Go-See. Why the 48-hour meltdown, tdawg? Because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I'll be blogging in list form today, because my brain is like a puddle of ooze in a parking spot outside the Kardashian's store.

WHY I WANT TO MOVE TO LA:
1. I'm burnt-out, lazy, and unmotivated in New York.
2. I hate being next door to NYU. It makes me feel like I'm still 18, naive, and stupid.
3. I want to work in film & television. Apparently, that stuff grows like cactus out here.
4. My bff's live out here and say everything's better.
5. My man is out here. Most of the time. While he's not in law school in Northern California.
6. My career needs a boost.

WHY I HATE LA:
1. Constant sunshine is making me feel nauseous.
2. Smog.
3. Traffic.
4. Driving everywhere.
5. My man's 1981 white volvo has no air conditioning. This brings me to:
6. Heat. It's a DESERT.

WHY I LOVE LA:
1. The mountains.
2. The Pacific.
3. The fact that it's different than any other place I've ever lived before and it makes me feel invigorated and excited about acting again.
4. There's more work for my type.
5. I haven't been getting hired for theater work. I look like I'm 12, and in the past year I've accomplished most of my goals commercially, and none of my theatrical ones.

WHY I MISS NYC:
What do I miss? I've been out of there for 2 weeks, and what do I miss? My east midtown comfy cozy apartment. Riding on buses. Crossing Avenues. Ess-a bagel. Getting drunk and getting a cab home at 3 am for $9. Seeing the whole city on one subway map, and knowing I could get from Hoboken to Astoria in less than 45 minutes. Walking down 2nd avenue as the sun sets and ending up in the east village. Feeling like I know what I'm doing.

Ah. The crux of it! Ah HA! What I really miss is feeling like I'm at home. Sure, I start to daydream about McDougal and getting cupcakes at Magnolia, because I've done that before. I know exactly what the street looks like and how the overly-sugared cupcakes taste because it's all been done. I'm freaking out because I have...7 friends in LA. I have no agent. I am having a difficult time equating the neighborhoods in LA to their dopplegangers in New York ("Okay, so if Los Feliz is Brooklyn, is Inglewood like SoHo?").

Two mornings in a row now, I have woken up, looked out the window at the hugest blue sky I could ever imagine, and said, "This is quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever done."

But then...I can't go back. I can't go back to New York, because I daydreamed for 10 months (or more) about leaving it. I was miserable pretending to be a faux-musical-theater actress. I was bored going to my crappy rent-job, getting sucked in, and not being able to just quit. I was burning bridges because I was scared. This is a move not only to find more work, but to find out who I am and what I can do with my life as an actor.

Also, there's an inherent problem with Operation Los Angeles Go-See. While I am conducting some interviews of some working professionals here (ie a playwright, a theater director, an actual working actor friend-of-a-friend, a producer I met at a Tisch Alumni networking event ooh, a friend who just directed a movie, a friend who just directed a music video blablablaaaa) I am not A) auditioning for anything or B) finding an apartment. I'm on a weird research/quasi-vacation. There's nothing worse than being artistically constipated, and I feel like while I'm challenging myself to get a feel for this strange western world, I'm not acting. Actors act. Right? I'm just...researching. I don't want to waste anyone's time by auditioning and then being like "Oh yeah, well, don't take me too seriously, because I'm kind of wasting your time because I don't live here, and I'll be leaving in 5 days and I've signed a contract to shoot this other movie next week so I definitely can't commit to anything sooooo....peace out, boy scout!!!" and then running off to Zuma Beach. Same with the apartment-searching. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

So. The goal for the rest of the week is to continue with the research. Continue with the delving into maps and goal-planning, push on in the reading those actor books and subscribing to the trades and budgeting and working on my plan of attack.

Oh pish. This is maybe the dumbest thing I've ever done.